I do love a good rant. And as I am going through seven layers of HELL with my new keykegs I was so happy to find other people who also hate keykegs! We can start a little group, drink Keykeg-free gin tonics and throw things at their stupid plastic shapes. Water for instance as that makes the Baseline Kegkeg, cleverly made out of cardboard, fall apart!
For those of you who don’t know what keykegs are, you lucky few, they are in theory a nice innovation: a bag filled with beer surrounded by a plastic casing. Light, easy to transport. CAMRA approved. If anyone should care. My new best ranting friend from the Plasterers Arms wrote a great rant called ‘Keykegs, the second worst idea anybody ever had’ addressed the CAMRA issue like this: “if you desperately seek the approval of a group of grumbling old men, go and make cask beer. Why are you bothering with kegs at all? Make cask beer or don’t, I don’t care which, don’t just sit on the fence squealing like a little girl about your weird hybrid in-betweeny beer.” Yep, what he said! And here’s the link to his blog. Next time I’m in Norwich I’m stopping in for a pint!
What’s more, and what seriously pisses me off, keykeg are also the Apple among beer kegs, they have their own connectors, which are incredibly expensive, and you need to get all sorts of lines and other crap and all of it is custom made and expensive. And takes weeks to arrive anywhere in Spain. So if like me you sell, say, six kegs to three bars, you need to provide them with all this crap if they don’t already have it. So you make zero money. And out here in Spain they usually don’t. So immediately you are out of pocket for the connectors (cabezales as they are called here) and then there’s all the suffering when your clients try and connect the bloody things and nothing comes out but fobbing (foam). Keykeg’s solution? Get all your clients to put in ‘reasonably easy to install’ flow control to their systems. Really? I bet my Spanish clients, small bars, giving a beginning brewer a break, are all simply chomping at the bit to install more crap so they can get at the craft beer they already paid for. All feels like one big scam because once you’ve invested in all their expensive Keykeg crap, like Apple, you are likely to keep buying their expensive crap. And I bet when they redesign their stupid kegs they will change the connection again. Makes me long for wooden barrels….